Sunday April 21, 2024

  While I was moving things around, I got to reread one of my journal entries from last year. In one of them, I talked about struggling with emotional amnesia and other dissociative experiences.

  I think it's a little funny to read that kind of stuff now. I think it was before my plural egg officially cracked. I kind of already knew but I was still deep in the denial of it.

  Reflecting on how things have changed since then is nice. We're able to unmask around certain people and be more open about who we are. Not everything is perfect all of the time, but it's markedly better.

  I'm grateful to our friends and everyone who has been so cool through this whole thing. I'm grateful to my headmates for getting us through so much. I hope we get to grow more together this year.

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Friday July 21, 2023

  Sorry folks, this one is a vent entry. I hate how disconnected the literal and emotional amnesia makes me feel whenever I'm trying to have a conversation with friends about a memory we're both supposed to share.

  There's no good way to say "Hey, this memory you're emotionally attached to that probably changed the trajectory of your life is nonexistent for me. I know I was technically there with you but could you fill me in?"

  It makes me feel incredibly awkward. Even worse, it makes me feel like a bad friend. It leaves me with this feeling of being alienated in my own life, my own skin, my own mind and memories. I often feel like I'm intruding on my own life. I am my own imposter.

  I guess I'm just not sure what to make of it. I have my own private thoughts on the matter but they feel too personal to share just yet. Maybe one day it'll feel safe enough for me to unmask.

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Thursday July 20, 2023

  I'm usually a pretty private person so it's a little weird for me to do this whole web diary thing. I mean, it isn't like I haven't had a blog before. I've had personal blogs since I was probably around uhhh... fourteen years old?

  Plus it's something I've been wanting to set up and do for a while. I don't know why but the idea of a literal online journal is very appealing to me. I don't know, something about coding it by hand feels like binding my own book.

  Coding is something that's been scratching my autistic brain recently. I have soooo many ideas bouncing around in my head for webpages I want to make. I have to remember that everything takes time.

  Anyways, I'm excited to explore and learn more about these kinds of things. Who knows? Maybe someone will actually read these, maybe even after I'm long gone. It's kinda cool to think about, isn't it? Like a digital sarcophogas or a time capsule.

  What would you leave behind?